![]() “But what if we’re both intoxicated?” is an extremely valid question and the truth is that there is no straightforward answer. Of course, things are not always clear cut. You should not be having sex with people who are too drunk or high while you still have clear control of your own mind, body and actions. The truth is, capacity is extremely hard to measure – everybody has their own limitations when it comes to substances – but consent is not. This leaves the concept of consent open to questions like, “how many drinks does it take for a person to no longer have the capacity?” or, “is it okay to sleep with somebody who is drunk?” triggering polarising opinions. ![]() But the law is clear on this Section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that, “a person consents if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.” In other words, when you are intoxicated, capacity is key. Lack of awareness about sexual consent around drugs and alcohol contributes greatly to the shocking rape and sexual assault statistics in the UK. Plus, the fact that everybody else claimed to remember what happened proves that they had the capacity to make that choice and took advantage of me anyway. It was so easy to blame myself.īut my memory loss is a key indication that I didn’t have the capacity to consent, regardless of my actions that night. With my memories disorganised I felt completely bewildered by what I was told. His friend confirmed it, but I had no recollection of what had transpired the night before. This is something that the BBC’s I May Destroy Youcaptured so accurately, forcing me to relive and re-assess my own experiences.Īfter I was date raped, the perpetrator told me that I had been “all over him”. But adventurous nights can have a dark side. My favourite nights used to be the ones where I was tipsy, my actions were spontaneous and I had let go of all my inhibitions. Your brain the morning after is left with remnants of distorted, chopped up memories. The best planned nights out can end in a blurry, hopeless mess when drugs and alcohol are involved. Trigger warning: mentions of date rape throughout When it doesn’t, the domino effect is rough. When it works, there’s a wonderful feeling of community. When I started exploring non-monogamous dynamics, I had no idea just how much time I’d be spending on emotional admin! Navigating the needs of multiple partners, and ensuring everyone’s boundaries are respected is a challenge. In my experience, the more people involved, the more structured the conversations and agreements need to be. The assumption that polyamory is a free-for-all wild orgy is (for the most part) false. ![]() Over time, I’ve become more confident with my personal understanding of consent and agency, but because none of the education I received spoke to my identity, it was a challenge. Instead, my understanding of consent had to be learned on-the-job.Ĭultural messages about consent are already fraught, but when applied to non-normative relationships it’s a real headfuck. As a queer polyamorous person, this gave me approximately zero per cent of the tools I needed to exercise consent in my life. “No means no” was mentioned a few times, but consent was framed as something men had to ask for and women had to give – all super heteronormative, centering monogamy, and failing to recognise the nuances of navigating consent in “non-traditional” settings. I was taught very little about consent at school. Trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault and trauma throughout
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